• Business
    • Case Studies
    • Companies
    • Growth
    • Strategy
  • Functional
    • Finance
    • HR
    • Marketing
    • Science & Tech
  • Leadership
    • Be a Leader
    • Books
    • LDR Show
    • Leadership Nuggets
    • Movie Wisdom
    • Podcasts
    • Women & Leadership
  • Personal
    • Character
    • Values
    • Competence
  • Podcasts
  • Videos
  • E-Mag
  • Assessments
  • Subscribe
  • About Us
Leaderonomics.com
Leaderonomics.com
  • Business
    • Case Studies
      Crisis Communication: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

      Crisis Communication: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

      The 5 Step Plan to a Winning Social Media Presence

      The 5 Step Plan to a Winning Social Media Presence

      Embracing Digital To Power Growth

      Embracing Digital To Power Growth

      Malaysia: Celebrating A Nation's History

      Malaysia: Celebrating A Nation's History

    • Companies
      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

      "As you keep developing your skills, you become like a fine wine", Says Nithin Kamath

      "As you keep developing your skills, you become like a fine wine", Says Nithin Kamath

      Why Connection is the Key to Organisational Performance

      Why Connection is the Key to Organisational Performance

    • Growth
      Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Disengaged Employees

      Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Disengaged Employees

      The Importance of Legacy in Leadership

      The Importance of Legacy in Leadership

      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

    • Strategy
      Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Disengaged Employees

      Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Disengaged Employees

      Pssst! Are You Overworked?

      Pssst! Are You Overworked?

      "As you keep developing your skills, you become like a fine wine", Says Nithin Kamath

      "As you keep developing your skills, you become like a fine wine", Says Nithin Kamath

      What If You Ran Your Business Like an Over-Achieving Spanish Soccer Club?

      What If You Ran Your Business Like an Over-Achieving Spanish Soccer Club?

  • Functional
    • Finance
      How Your Personality with Money Can Influence Your Financial Decisions

      How Your Personality with Money Can Influence Your Financial Decisions

      Making It in Corporate Finance

      Making It in Corporate Finance

      The Disruption in Accounting and Finance

      The Disruption in Accounting and Finance

      An Income for Everyone

      An Income for Everyone

    • HR
      The Six Pillars of Vibrant Workplace Culture

      The Six Pillars of Vibrant Workplace Culture

      A Lesson in Leadership from the HR Perspective

      A Lesson in Leadership from the HR Perspective

      Understanding Performance Management Today

      Understanding Performance Management Today

      Change and Disruption: Fight It or Embrace It?

      Change and Disruption: Fight It or Embrace It?

    • Marketing
    • Science & Tech
      6 Key Digital Trends to Look Out for in 2020 and Beyond

      6 Key Digital Trends to Look Out for in 2020 and Beyond

      How Embodying Trust Builds Big Picture Leadership Capability

      How Embodying Trust Builds Big Picture Leadership Capability

      The Future of the Wood Manufacturing Industry in Malaysia

      The Future of the Wood Manufacturing Industry in Malaysia

      Building Technical Competencies to Support Vision

      Building Technical Competencies to Support Vision

  • Leadership
    • Be a Leader
      A Lesson in Leadership from the HR Perspective

      A Lesson in Leadership from the HR Perspective

      Fastest Woman on Earth Leaves Competition in the Dust

      Fastest Woman on Earth Leaves Competition in the Dust

      Should a 4-Day Workweek Be the New Norm?

      Should a 4-Day Workweek Be the New Norm?

      Let's Lead People to be Their Best Selves

      Let's Lead People to be Their Best Selves

    • Books
      Lessons from Tara Westover's Memoir, 'Educated'

      Lessons from Tara Westover's Memoir, 'Educated'

      Michelle Obama Says One Decision Separates People Who Achieve Success from The Rest

      Michelle Obama Says One Decision Separates People Who Achieve Success from The Rest

      Why You Should Assess A Leader’s Capacity For Critical Thinking And Judgment

      Why You Should Assess A Leader’s Capacity For Critical Thinking And Judgment

      5 Skills You Need To Be A Great CEO

      5 Skills You Need To Be A Great CEO

    • LDR Show
      It Started as a Fluke: Making It in the Hotel Business

      It Started as a Fluke: Making It in the Hotel Business

      Leaving a Mark That Goes Beyond Business

      Leaving a Mark That Goes Beyond Business

      Through the Ups and Downs of Business

      Through the Ups and Downs of Business

      Coding Made Easy with Low Code

      Coding Made Easy with Low Code

    • Leadership Nuggets
      Leadership in Four Dimensions: Jonas Prising on Human Resources, Malaysia and Leadership

      Leadership in Four Dimensions: Jonas Prising on Human Resources, Malaysia and Leadership

      "Have Intentionality In Your Daily Life", says Kim Underhill

      "Have Intentionality In Your Daily Life", says Kim Underhill

      "Explorers Are Map Makers", Says Jana Stanfield

      "Explorers Are Map Makers", Says Jana Stanfield

      Leadership Nuggets: Worry Not When We Fail

      Leadership Nuggets: Worry Not When We Fail

    • Movie Wisdom
      What I Learnt About Leadership from the Game of Thrones

      What I Learnt About Leadership from the Game of Thrones

      Lessons From Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

      Lessons From Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

      Leadership Lessons From Madam Secretary

      Leadership Lessons From Madam Secretary

      Lessons From A 68-Year-Old Classic That Changed The Face Of Visual Storytelling

      Lessons From A 68-Year-Old Classic That Changed The Face Of Visual Storytelling

    • Podcasts
      The Importance of Legacy in Leadership

      The Importance of Legacy in Leadership

      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      The Secret Sauce Behind the Success of a Co-Working Space

      Understanding Performance Management Today

      Understanding Performance Management Today

      Personal Change Affecting  Your Career

      Personal Change Affecting Your Career

    • Women & Leadership
      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

      Women in Leadership: Opportunities, Balance, Challenges and Support

      3 Easy Ways Women Can Demonstrate Their Authority at Work

      3 Easy Ways Women Can Demonstrate Their Authority at Work

      Be A Leader With Queen Oprah

      Be A Leader With Queen Oprah

      5 Lessons from the Life of Chetna Sinha

      5 Lessons from the Life of Chetna Sinha

  • Personal
    • Character
      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      How to Overcome Overthinking and Get More Done

      How to Overcome Overthinking and Get More Done

      11 Things Organised and Productive People Do Every Day

      11 Things Organised and Productive People Do Every Day

      Hiking – Reflections That Will Take You to Greater Heights

      Hiking – Reflections That Will Take You to Greater Heights

    • Values
      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      Hiking – Reflections That Will Take You to Greater Heights

      Hiking – Reflections That Will Take You to Greater Heights

      The Power of Compassion in Leadership

      The Power of Compassion in Leadership

      Raise Your Game: Forming Your Identity

      Raise Your Game: Forming Your Identity

    • Competence
      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      J.K. Rowling Says Success Has Nothing to Do With 'Destiny'

      How to Overcome Overthinking and Get More Done

      How to Overcome Overthinking and Get More Done

      11 Things Organised and Productive People Do Every Day

      11 Things Organised and Productive People Do Every Day

      Infographic: How Good Are Your Problem Solving Skills?

      Infographic: How Good Are Your Problem Solving Skills?

  • Podcasts
  • Videos
  • E-Mag
  • Assessments
  • Subscribe
  • About Us
  • Follow
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Linkedin
    • Youtube
    • Instagram
Home
Leadership

Failing To Connect?

March 7th, 2015 Leadership

Share this article

Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn Pinterest
Failing To Connect?Leadership

LDR-PDF-download-110x110

By RICHARD NEWTON

We all do it all the time: we communicate, we interpret and we connect. We communicate through words, body language, tone, actions and behaviours.

We constantly interpret everyone else’s words and behaviours. We start doing this as soon as we are born. When we get this right, we form strong connections.

Whatever we do with other people, whether that is talking, watching, listening, interacting, playing or working together we continuously interpret and are interpreted. Sometimes you are conscious of this, but at times much of it happens in our subconscious.

The challenge

Connecting is wonderful. It allows us to do great things together. We build friendships. We share knowledge, ideas and experiences.

We co-ordinate activities. We have fun together. But, there is a problem, and it can be a big problem.

The trouble is that communicating does not always work as intended. Our words, intentions and actions are frequently misunderstood. We fail to connect in the way we intend.

I am sure everyone reading this has at some time wondered how someone else could have felt you meant “X” when actually, you meant “Y”.

We even communicate when we do not mean to communicate at all. Our actions and words are interpreted when we do not realise we were being watched or listened to – sometimes in ways we would not expect and do not want.

Failing to connect causes problems in our private lives. Arguments are started, opportunities are missed, and friendships are damaged all because of failing to connect. I am sure we have all experienced a time when a friend or loved one has misunderstood something we have said or done.

It is at work that the difficulties of failing to connect are often most profound. Communicating lies at the heart of all organisations.

Misunderstood communications and misinterpreted actions create inefficiencies, delays, re-work and problems every day.

From the perspective of your career, the value of communicating effectively is critical. Look at successful people in senior roles. They are almost always good communicators who are rarely misunderstood or misinterpreted.

As a consultant working worldwide with people of many different backgrounds, I am especially conscious of the power of communication, and the risks of failing to connect. I want to share seven steps to better interaction and improving the ways in which we connect.

In this article, I am thinking about your professional life, but most of what I say here is equally applicable to your private life.

There are complex psychological reasons for why people interpret others in certain ways, but most of the time you do not need to be an expert psychologist to improve the way you connect with others. Some simple steps will help.

1. Be conscious

Start to improve your connections by being conscious that you are being watched and listened to all the time. This is not a reason for being paranoid. It is essential to being human – and you do it all the time to everyone else around you.

But, it is a reason to be mindful. Just being conscious that everything you do is being interpreted will help you to reduce your failures to connect.

2. Be clear about ‘why’

When you want to communicate with anyone, start by being clear about why you are communicating with him or her. Most of us just open our mouths and start to talk.

A little more thought about what we want from the conversation should make you think through the words you use and the supporting actions a little more carefully.

At work we normally interact for one of a few reasons. You need to share information, get someone’s advice, you need someone to do something for you.

You need a decision or approval from your boss. Sometimes you may communicate to build a relationship to help you engage with that person better in the future. The “why” should shape your words and actions.

3. Think about ‘who’

We respond in different ways to different people. Think about the specific person you want to connect with. What is the background context to your conversation?

Do you have an already existing relationship or not? What is the nature of the person’s role relative to yours? What type of communications does he or she like?

The same style of interaction will not work for everyone. You need to tailor what you say, how you say it and how you act to the specific group or individual you are trying to connect with.

4. If you can, make your objectives and intentions clear

If you know why you want to engage someone, start by telling that person why. “I want to talk to you because …” is a very simple set of words that can help others understand you much better.

It is amazing how often I see people engaged in conversation, only later when I ask what it was about or why they were talking for one of the parties to say “I don’t really know”.

Have you ever thought you gave someone clear instructions and nothing has happened? You thought you had given an instruction; they thought you were just discussing an idea? This happens all the time at work.

Early in my career, I had a boss who regularly said, “I’d like you to think about …” It took me a few difficult months to learn that his “I’d like you to think about …” meant “do this now!” If only he had said clearly “do this now”, it would have been far more effective.

5. Check understanding and interpretation

Once you have engaged with someone, check that person’s understanding. Ask simple questions like “is everything I have said clear”. Offer to explain some more. Never assume that because it is clear to you it is clear to others. That will lead to failing to connect!

(The most thorough way is to question a person to test their understanding. Unfortunately, there are situations in which this is not possible. It may be rude, and with more senior managers you may feel it inappropriate to question them as to whether they have understood you).

6. Listen and observe

Listen and observe others after you have engaged. What response have your actions or words generated in others?

Do not assume it will be the result you expected. Look at what they do and listen to what they say. If it does not match to what you expect, then you need to work a little harder to connect.

People often hide their true feelings and responses. You have to be aware that any interpretation you make will have its own limitations. But better a limited understanding than none at all!

7. Diagnose and adjust

Did you get the response you expected? If not, try to work out why and then adjust the way you interact. If you find yourself needing to repeat, don’t simply act in the same way again or say the same words in the same way – unless the person really just did not hear you.

If someone misinterpreted you the first time around, then if you interact in the same way, that person will probably misinterpret you again.

This is even true when you did not mean to communicate. You notice someone is acting in a way you do not understand towards you.

The chances are he (or she) has misinterpreted something you said or did without you even knowing. Try to work this out and see if you can adjust your behaviour to change that person’s reactions to you.

These seven steps will lead to better connections. Follow them and you will be understood, and communicate better.

You may be concerned that this is complex and that you will never get around to talking to anyone if you have to go through all this thinking every time.

It’s true that if you worry too much about how you communicate, you will probably come across as stilted and unnatural. If you feel like that, you can do something simpler to begin with.

Start with awareness. As I said in step 1: just being conscious that everything you do is being interpreted will help you reduce your failures to connect.

Secondly, observe those who you see are rarely misinterpreted. Really observe and listen in detail. What is it that they do which you may not be doing?

Thirdly, seek feedback. The rule is: the worst person to judge your own communications is yourself. We are never communicating to ourselves, but always to others.

It is what others have heard us say or interpreted us doing that matters more than what we meant. So, ask others how you come across.

Finally, practise. Choose some important times when it is critical for you to connect. Think through the seven steps and put them into practice.

Practise this often and you will find it becomes second nature. You will get your messages across as wanted, your actions will not be misinterpreted, and you will form stronger connections.

No system is perfect. People can interpret things differently from our expectations, but the steps outlined above will help you to minimise this.

Final thoughts

I want to end with a couple of thoughts.

Firstly, not only will you be misinterpreted at times, but sometimes you will misinterpret others. For example, there will be some people whom you have formed a negative impression of, because you have misinterpreted their actions.

Try not to jump to conclusions about people’s intentions too soon. They may just be poor communicators! Give them a second chance.

Secondly, how we interpret people’s words and actions is influenced by past experiences. Misinterpretation can be down to history of interactions and how charitable people feel towards you.

If you have a reputation as an honest, kind person others are much more likely to interpret what you say or do kindly.

They will give you the benefit of the doubt and look for a positive intent in all you say and do. On the other hand, if you have a reputation for dishonesty then everything you say and do is much more likely to be interpreted badly, whether you mean it or not.

Often the best investment to make to connect on positive terms, is building your reputation as a clear, straightforward and honest person.

Richard Newton is an internationally renowned author and consultant. He has written 12 books, which have been translated into 17 languages – including the award-winning ‘The Management Book’. His latest book, ‘Managing Your Team Through Change’ was published in December 2014. Richard works worldwide through his consultancy Enixus Ltd, helping corporations to deliver organisational change and performance improvement. His details can be found on LinkedIn at uk.linkedin.com/in/richardjenewton/en, and he can be followed on Twitter at @RJNtalk. For more Consulting Corner articles, click here.

 
Published in English daily The Star, Malaysia, 7 March 2015

Share this :

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Tags
  • C-level
  • communication
  • Conflict Management
  • Consulting Corner
  • Relationship Building
  • Richard Newton
  • Senior Management
Next article Are You In A New-Age Professional Nightmare?
Previous article Alliance Bank: Building Future Leaders

Related Posts

Putting A Dent In The Universe Be a Leader

Putting A Dent In The Universe

Raise Your Game: A Man Who Hails From A City That Is Rich In Culture And Heritage Personal

Raise Your Game: A Man Who Hails From A City That Is Rich In Culture And Heritage

The Leaderonomics Show: Olaf Plötner Tells Businesses To Look Into Putting Solutions In Place LDR Show

The Leaderonomics Show: Olaf Plötner Tells Businesses To Look Into Putting Solutions In Place

Juggling Generations In Management Be a Leader

Juggling Generations In Management

Raise Your Game: Akio Morita And The Sony Leadership Story Be a Leader

Raise Your Game: Akio Morita And The Sony Leadership Story

Are You Relentless In Pursuing Your Dream? Akio Morita’s Vision Enabled Sony To Soar Be a Leader

Are You Relentless In Pursuing Your Dream? Akio Morita’s Vision Enabled Sony To Soar

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Bahasa Malaysia | English

Pick of The Week

Dec 7th 6:47 AM
Functional

The Six Pillars of Vibrant Workplace Culture

Dec 6th 9:08 AM
Leadership

A Lesson in Leadership from the HR Perspective

Dec 5th 9:00 AM
Business

Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Disengaged Employees

NEW – The Leaderonomics Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft7JHfu_PL4

Leaderonomics FM – Now on Spotify/iTunes!

https://leaderonomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Leaderonomics-FM.wav
  • Business
  • Functional
  • Leadership
  • Personal
  • Podcasts
  • Videos
  • E-Mag
  • Assessments
  • Subscribe
  • About Us
  • Back to top

About Leaderonomics.com

Leaderonomics.com is a leadership portal owned by Leaderonomics, a social enterprise passionate about transforming nations through leadership development. Leaderonomics.com features leadership insights, trends, CEOs, thought leaders, HR leaders and inspiring real-life stories for your personal and professional development.

Contact Us | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy      
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed on this website are those of the writers or the people they quoted and not necessarily those of Leaderonomics.
[Sitemap | RSS]
Copyright © 2010-2019 Leaderonomics Media Sdn Bhd. All rights reserved